6-4-06
one grandmother who succeeded in dying, another grandmother who had had a number of heart attacks, conjunctive heart failures, as they called them, was undergoing tests -

be glad you are not undergoing tests -

there is nothing wrong with the heart, tests indicate, there is a blockage on the way to the heart, a person is said to be philosophical, about the operating table, what a place!

you're in the hands of your children - good luck!

on one hand we have not seen J F die, refusing to speak to any member of her family except one brother, refusing to see any other member, before her death - for years she had been dying, telling nobody - she gave S a stuffed dog - seven, almost 8 years ago -

just now we learn the brother himself is dying - a different cancer - a marriage was h

astily arranged with his partner - we have heard how our first grandmother died: it's a bloody mess -

Dan Gillis told me last week: he used to take undergraduates to see his mother: she was 99 - they had no idea! - now he's 70 - you know what they're saying about 70, he asked me: that it's the new 40?

we know how Ivan Illich had to fight, tough as he was - tooth and sinew, for his own body, from the profession -

the branches are waving in the wind -

little by little doubt inhabits -

I think I can hear somebody rattling in the kitchen -

patience!

you need a break!

the warm wind is howling - high above the ground - short sighted, bare foot, drinking nettle tea - do you recognize this person?

*

I lay in that tent on the mountainside and calculated how old I would be if I became a grandfather - the sort of idle calculation you make on holiday - I was 39 - S was seven - if S had a child when he was 30, I'd be 69 - a tired old man - worst of all, I'll never know what becomes of them, I thought, lying there in my sleeping bag -

how stupid I have been!

an earthquake in kashmir has killed 40,000 people.

a picture on the front of the paper showed a man kissing the hand of his 10 year old grandson -

lu banglie, the chinese democratization activist who was beaten apparently to death on the weekend, has been found alive.

late last night I wrote to the Secretary of Defense of the United States, the Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for Detainee Affairs, and the U S ambassador in London about the forcible insertion of feeding tubes into the noses of detainees at Guantanamo Bay -

they haven't replied -

when she moved from Oklahoma City to upstate New York, to live with Carleton's family, my grandmother Clay returned the olive wood bowl from France which my mother had given her years before. Then my mother gave it to me. I still have it