GREY NOTEBOOK

26 SEP 2008  -  13 APR 2012

 

you're on the 176 the sun's out it's friday evening day after tomorrow you'll be in france. either you'll be in france by this time friday evening or you'll be on the way to southern france where your parents will be celebrating their 70th birthdays. what is it like to celebrate their birthdays there at that time in the ways they have chosen by then you will begin to know that. much as you think you know exactly what it will be like in southern france, barely 20 minutes from p's parents' place, you have no idea. your neck and your elbow have been x-rayed after referral by a general practitioner. I hope it gets better, he said. those were his words as you were leaving. east st. you had a haircut. the barber told you he washed his eyes with baby oil every morning and every evening he covered his hands in vaseline. he meant to use his bike but he didn't. he was too lazy he said. he was overweight that was why his feet hurt. fiona described the situation on the Isle of Lewis. she and her husband had dreamed about living on Lewis, she said, now they had visited Lewis, which was dominated by religion. she saw a church that looked like a factory with a little sign saying CHURCH. you couldn't work in the garden on sundays. people sat drinking tea through the mesh of their midge nets. sam her son got infested with rabbit fleas. the ticks were so bad in the grass the dogs had to be covered with vaseline. there her father lived, grinding his own lenses, along with a network of other amateur astronomers, who passed their observations from one to another, often to find the others had already observed what they had just seen. he saw a meteor plunge into the sea. then the phone would ring. we would hate to live there, she said, at least now we know that.

start as soon as you can waiting won't work as soon as your hands are free begin     put down your bags of groceries, take off your backpack, I wouldn't open your computer, take your notebook, look at the bleached swamp weeds in front of you   the willow   start like a dog running outdoors   well, sebald compared himself to a dog quartering the ground - maybe you've never had a dog that's been cooped up in a shed with another dog all day and another night and day because somebody forgot to let it out. that dog comes flying out of its shed the moment the door is opened, after whining and abandoning two days and a night, never entirely giving up hope the dark door will open into the dark     is one way

the language acquired so laboriously so easily so laboriously and which became such a burden to you that begins to decay normally going normally sinking without a trace the laborious assemblages you acquired sink, leaving some things sticking up those things won't go away not yet. a natural filtration occurs leaving a person at some point naturally ready naturally able to start with the right combination of articulacy and incapacity, it will suddenly seem, as you cross the park with your groceries, as you sit on a bench by the lake, the only possible preparation for this particular project. the preparation for a project like this is a mixture of acquisition and decay just as a project like this is itself a process of acquisition and disposal a person takes handfuls of earth and throws them to the side and back

order recycling bags

finalise moneygram (PO) for hussein

grant museum - visit

get up at dawn    wash your face make the fire   now you're sitting by the window the branch is a deeper shade of yellow the vine is a brighter shade of red it's a grey day your eyes are closing you're almost asleep downstairs they're doing maths through the gap in the trees people cross the schoolyard on their way to school I'd take you to the school gates, p is saying to s, you'd run in each to your own class with your own teacher you have a splinter in your finger series of planes fly over the house on the approach to heathrow, obscured by cloud, you barely hear them. now you have been here a few weeks you barely hear the roar of aircraft it's only when you come back from being away you hear them briefly before you are plunged back in silence of course it isn't silence your friend the viola player and the music therapist were forced to leave london by particle polution and traffic and especially by sound pollution which enters your ears relentlessly and penetrates you entirely, as daniel barenboim said, according to m, taking possession of you, this is why it's dangerous, m went on, this is why we don't listen to wagner we listen to messiaen or shostakovich, she was saying, in order to keep from despairing, from the time I sat under my mother's piano as she played, my mother the concert pianist, while my father was fighting in N Africa, close the window it's cold birds are hopping up and down through the branches of the apple and the elder a dark animal slipped down between the trees the back room was full of animal droppings when you got back the hedgehog keeps coming in leaving its little shits and pools of urine in the corner and under the pallet you tried to scrape it off and wash the floor with a mop. somebody else has cut into the alotments and taken colin newell's apples you'll get the blame tonight at the cgg committee meeting the members of the committee are more and more gripped by fear and impotent anger - they're looking for a target the smell of breakfast rises up the stairs the smell of bread and coffee p is in the shower a flock of pigeons comes over the roofs, flying straight at you p is out of the shower it's nearly time for breakfast a constant flow of talk fills the downstairs area flowing into every gap go down

keepers nursery open day 5 oct missed it
promote n street pottery
10g pigment and bring jar

 

you're sitting in the camberwell gardens guild committee meeting you're listening to the verbatim minutes of the last meeting it's hot you can hear the buses up and down camberwell road the reading continues, announcing events that have occurred in the interim a sense of growing anxiety grips you an acute sense of temporal loss loss and rejection grips you blood rises under you skin take off you sweater you took off you sweater the reading continues as usual everything was a success, shirley's leukemia problems are improving poppy kirby who exhibited her lovely roses for so many years is moving away the allotments inspection found sparrowhawks were a problem anti climb paint dick cooper wrote a notice saying have you no shame? battery operated cctv is not available the dates of the next meeting will be 7 0ct 2008 here you are bill hammond says the price of milk has gone up from 42p to 45p

everything stops at 8 for taking medicine

you're home. eat your lentils do your mail. dispirited by such experiences, no wonder a person craves redress. no wonder they come to look explicitly for compensation. we read of a person returning from a typical day or a week which has been too much: in every respect too hard and too long and just too much: they are described coming in, dropping their keys impatiently on the table, walking quickly upstairs, entering the room where explicit compensation awaits them: we see them enter, take a deep breath, force themselves, as they say, to take their time, as they take off their clothes

a shift registers in the terrain, attention to detail increases, time which was amorphous, invisible, shows a tendency to coalesce: now into dense passages, then giving way to openings where slight variations acquire value, to say that again: free, openly available objects or actions acquire ludicrous, excessive value - bright laughter drifts up the way clear smoke: sounds    sounds    in a short time, a whole economy of exchange has been established, as it seems from scratch - no wonder the lovers dwell so fondly on each detail: after 5,000 years of debt and degradation, every kind of stand-in and betrayal and lie

lying in a campsite on a summer morning, the weight of history, we can say, accumulates, fully taking over the inhabitants, where they look up at the thin skin of the tent, in which they are more naked than without. they listen to the sounds of birds calling to each other and already mating above them in the trees

[explicit passage: sounds of birds and other animals are audible, together with the sounds of people having sex in a tent. there are no images. you have to imagine the buildup of desire over thousands of years of betrayal and false accounting, leading to the kind of radical frankness that is absent in official discourses. direct exchanges occur involving, as we imagine, a cock, or erect penis, that has been brought out and produced with smiles and significant glances, and a vagina (kuma) so abundantly aroused that a pause ensues, followed by a period of renewed anticipation

speechless, with thick throats, it is all the lovers can do to begin in the most exploratory way to touch, to begin to acknowledge and address the possibilities of bodies, without directly addressing any sexual organ whatsoever. with great restraint and trembling with anticipation, so that their movements, far from fluid, are abrupt and clumsy, it is finally a question of bringing a cock to the waiting mouth, bringing a vagina to the mouth the way you would help a child to the breast. and of course, once a mouth found a penis or a vagina it took it gratefully, and thought of nothing else, not history or geography, alternately inventing and bestowing favors, setting up a dependency, then withholding, enjoying the dismay and distress of the other, who tried to discharge the debt or who also in desperation, withhholding: they found themselves staring at each other in delighted challenge, who could bear that deprivation the longer? while their eyes devour both the lips and eyes of the other and all their abandonned organs

the woodpigeons which were all around this area were calling, crashing in branches,

unable to watch for long without contact, even in exhaustion a finger or a hand or mouth described the extent of their investment by beginning again to seek, to contact, witholding and exacting favours which, when granted, left them gasping, moaning and kissing for more -

until, in short, they could bear it no longer, and beginning again nakedly and in detail, they gave in so fully, all the time inviting still greater and more explicit demands and showing, by renewed passion and urgency in the way they kissed them, how they welcomed precisely the other's greatest explicitness, which they repaid, that the power of one over the other grew, their indebtedness and their mutual exposure became increasingly painfully acute, their breaths repeatedly caught on invisible snags, and they barely knew who was (touching) who .. ]

what could be more delightful than to exchange sexual favors in a tent with a person who is a fugitive from social injustice? a person who is the very obstacle we need and who, getting up because they have to, comes back with their eyes serious and bright, full of passionate ideas?